Detox

Last year I was invited to a "Detox Yoga" event for Passover.  This is exactly the kind of Jewish event that attracts me.  I don't have to be embarrassed that I don't know some minor nuance everyone who grew up on one of the normal Jewish families knows instinctively.  I don't have to pretend I know Hebrew.  And I don't have to feel left out when everyone breaks out into their shared summer camp story.

I am not exactly a yoga person.  I spin and kickbox and consider a good workout one where I leave the gym feeling like I've been bludgeoned.  So yoga isn't usually my "thing" but I was invited by someone I like spending time with and the rabbi who teaches the yoga is totally cool.

Yes, totally cool - she (unusual for rabbis to begin with) is young, hip and pretty.  She makes rabbi-hood super attractive and her yoga practice is just one of the very cool ways she infuses Jewish spirituality into modern life.

But as badass as I consider myself yoga usually humbles me in a bad way.  There are kicks and twists and bends that yoga people can perform that my body simply will not do.  There's the controlled breathing aspect of it too which leaves me feeling like an idiot.  I see God in the spinning studio - it's dark so if I sweat or cry or gasp for air nobody sees it.  Maybe that's painfully self conscious but there are some of the heavy breathing HAs and other weird sounds that yoga requires which make me feel uncomfortable.  Plus I'm never breathing in or breathing out properly at the rate the instructor suggests so I feel bad about myself that I can't keep up.  Yes I'm a weird little overachieving perfectionist which is precisely counter to the essential premise behind yoga.  Hence, why I normally avoid it.

Anyway I went having no idea what to expect.  I think I thought we might sit around and braid each other's hair or something.  The physical component of the practice wasn't terribly grueling, though there were some moments that certainly separated the yogis from the yogettes, like when we stood on our head and walked our feet up the wall or sat in a squat pose for what felt like an hour.

Uncommon to my prior yoga experiences there was music.  Bon Jovi, even!  That I really enjoyed because I didn't have to think about all of the stuff I discussed before - basically the self consciousness that usually plagues me during a yoga class was eliminated.

Then she guided us into pigeon pose.  I'm not sure how to describe this to the reader except to say it's sort of like a runner's stretch but your upper body is folded down over the lunged knee.  We laid there and she coached us through a meditation about letting go.  I don't know what it was but something about the pose (it hurt) and the song (it was beautiful, talking about "you're only human") and laying there for what felt like an eternity but tears came out of my eyes in waves.  I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably, but I was really crying alot. I was embarrassed, aside from the friend who accompanied me and the rabbi who I only knew socially I'd never met any of the other women before.  I don't usually cry in front of people I don't know.  At that point I didn't really consider myself "a crier."  So here I am folded over my body and it's like someone turned a faucet on in my tear ducts.

After we got up from that I had to take a second to blow my nose and made a joke about how this is why I never do yoga.  And the rabbi said to me, stern but lovingly, that this is precisely what attracted me to it in that moment.  Ultra spiritual zealots usually annoy the shit out of me but something about her or the way she said it or is it possible that the yoga had opened up something inside of me so I was willing to receive new messages ... I don't know, it just stuck with me.

I left that yoga session and went home to take a bath.  I wouldn't say it caused an immediate change in my life.  But I do recall feeling clearer and more decisive.  Within two weeks I'd applied for a hundred new jobs and I broke up with my boyfriend, the latter was a choice I'd been wrestling with for over a year.  I put some other plans in motion around that time I hadn't even realized until last night when I did the detox yoga again.

I haven't done yoga since then so I was eager to compare and contrast.  First of all all of my physical training really paid off - I was way more competent at performing the physical practice than I ever have been.  We can thank disciplined core training for that - there were tons of planks (my favorite) and an ab workout I didn't remember from last year that I was only able to complete because I work so hard on those parts of my body daily.  I also had way better stamina for the two hour session because I usually work out for two hours. PS I ran six miles before I did this class.  I know, I'm nuts.  Anyway being able to perform the movements made for a more enjoyable experience.

My mat was stationed in the back corner of the room deliberately because I didn't want to get disturbed or distracted by others doing their thing.  Regardless, the two heavy breathers put their mats on either side of me.  I tried really, really hard not to judge or focus on them, but to keep the focus on myself.  This is always going to be a challenge and part of yoga is facing what challenges us so I figured the effort was part of the practice.  Plus, as a fitness instructor, it's been a really interesting shift in my perception from competing with other people at the gym to sending positive energy to people I can see are really struggling because I understand how difficult it is for them.

I didn't get the same tearful release as I did last year but when we were in pigeon pose, I did shed a few tears thinking about everything that opened up after the prior session.  Breaking up with that boyfriend was a huge act of courage for me and was the last bastion of keeping myself trapped in a situation where it was all about someone else.  That is a major pattern for me, letting some person or situation control me to the point where I have no voice and leave myself no options.  Learning how to put myself first, to stand up for myself, to say no, to courageously use my voice, to set boundaries and to let other people have their own experience has been incredibly powerful for me.  And letting go of that boyfriend was one critical movement I had to make so I could learn those lessons.  Quitting my corporate job also took place following that yoga session.  That was followed by a period of isolation including a work-at-home stint and then unemployment when they fired me because they didn't like me (interesting because they'd never met me in person).  That is a whole separate post in and of itself but let's just say last summer was really difficult emotionally.  I also had to decide to put my dog to sleep which was a letting go exercise I never intended to do.  She was 17 years old, we'd been together since the 90s when I had the "Friends" haircut.  I loved her dearly and having her not be a part of my life anymore has been so emotionally painful I can't really sit and process it properly because I have to function.  It's like I set the feelings aside for later when I have a chance to deal.

But letting go of all of that and learning those lessons has created this amazing, incredible life I get to live today.  I literally get to have fun and put my gifts to use in every single aspect of my life today.  My job is as a writer where the things I write help people.  I get to teach fitness - to use my natural enthusiasm and zest for life to encourage people, to use my personal fitness level as an example.  I am getting a free masters degree in a creative writing program and it is an absolute dream come true, something I wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise.  My home is wonderful.  My pets are wonderful.  My friends are wonderful.  I totally have the best life ever.  So last night in that pigeon pose position I felt nothing but gratitude.  I think that class last year actually opened something in my heart that allowed me the strength to do what I needed to do.  I wonder what was opened up last night!

Stay tuned.

PS I am super sore today.  Woot!