Not important

Part of why I write this blog is to become accustomed to putting my opinions out into the universe.  It's time I get used to thinking that what I have to say is important enough to document.  My experience is just as valid as anyone else's and as a writer, crafting fictional characters based on my personal history is part of it.  Especially in short story writing the plot of the story is very often not what the story is "really" about.  It's the innuendo and back story and unspoken drama between the characters as they fight out their tension.

I'm tense right now - an important friendship is in arrears because I set a boundary and it's not being well received.  I feel really sad because this friendship means alot to me.  I can't and won't articulate the details in this blog - even if the person doesn't read it it's still bad boundaries to break the confidence of the particulars.  But I can say that something not being right in my friendships even if it's because I was taking proper care of myself is quite uncomfortable.  That's part of my story - trying to figure out the balance between being a helpful friend, doormat, complicit partner and selfish asshole.  I don't think anyone can be one dimensionally categorized in any of those compartments, I'm just saying for me in relationships I trend towards doormat and complicit partner specifically because I'm insecure using my voice - I think either what I have to say is not important, I think the other person is more important or I think that I'd rather not say what needs to be said to "keep the peace."

These are behavior traits that have gotten me into tremendous trouble, these unspoken contracts with people based on expectations and conditions.  I've worked really hard on getting stronger and healthier emotionally and as a result, I'm attracting healthier people into my life and I am showing up in my relationships with more balance.  It's less likely today that someone treats me with complete disrespect - not only will I not allow it, but I don't command a milquetoast presence that leaves me open as an easy mark.

I certainly get into my skirmishes and it's difficult when they take place.  I really hate conflict and I'll go around the bush a hundred times before I have to just hit the nail on the head.  I still shudder every time I have to do just that because I try so hard to position things the right way and live by the golden rule.  But not everyone hears things the way it's been said and when boundaries have to be set sometimes people don't like it.

But I can't be liked by everyone all the time.  I wince as I read this - it's impossible to articulate how uncomfortable it makes me to think there's someone out there who might be mad at me.  Or flat out they don't like me.  But how unrealistic is that - to be liked by everyone?  More importantly, how *needy* is that.  If I am so desperate for everyone to like me, then anything I need and want becomes unimportant so I can just be accommodating to everyone.  I've tried that and nobody respects me and they actively take advantage of me when I do that.  Having done all this work on myself I understand fully how not perfect I am, but I have grown to realize today that I am important, I matter, my voice matters.  Listening to the still small voice inside of me saying "I want to be a cheerleader" and "I want to be a writer" has been hard to hear when it is covered by hundreds of lead blankets of self hate, punishment, denial and fear.  I've worked so hard to take off those heavy guards and let those still small voices have some breathing room.  I've got to stand strong inside myself and be me no matter if anyone else likes it.  I have to sing with my headphones on and snort when I laugh and enjoy sports like a guy - those are qualities that make me special, just as much as feeling like I'm doing the right thing to help a friend while it works for me and then telling that friend it's not working for me anymore and letting the friend have their own experience, not trying to fix it for them, and not taking it back when they get mad.

We'll see how it goes.  Writing this out has made me feel like my ideas and thoughts are less not important than my mind is saying they are.  But it's a process.  Fear is a powerful drug.  It takes so much courage to work through it - at least for me.  And writing my thoughts out like this helps me obtain that courage, and it helps me see how I can work my all of myself into my stories.

By the way one more thing about friendships - it's astonishing to me that if 100 people love and adore me and use all their energy to affirm me at all times, one person's negative opinion or one minor conflict and it affects how I see the world in total.  It's so completely self-centered to think that everyone's emotions and feelings are about me - even if a conflict arises in a friendship and someone expresses anger, that's not necessarily about *ME*.  Just like the plot of the story isn't usually the real drama happening in the story, often anger triggered from a friendship interaction is based on baggage from the past.  So for me to sit here and say oh boo hoo this person didn't validate and affirm me and make it all about me is just crap.  I am important meaning I have needs and feelings and a voice that needs to be expressed.  But I am NOT important meaning everyone isn't thinking about me.  What a relief that most people are thinking about themselves and I can just go about trying to have courage to be me and take care of me but not be self-obsessed.

It's complicated, isn't it?  And I am so neurotic.  But that's also part of why I write this.  Because perfect people are boring.  I don't intend to write stories and books about fictional characters who have their shit together and have no problems.  My goal is to create real, relatable characters.  And I am already writing what I know, working on a short story to submit for a contest with a deadline of April 30th.  I'll keep you posted.