I'm not really sure I can articulate a great reason why I felt I needed to date. So I went back on and it turns out nothing's changed. I wound up going out with a number of men I wouldn't meet otherwise - that's the premise, right? Use the Internet to introduce people who wouldn't meet in the normal course of life.
The issue is that after the first date, many times after the first 5 minutes of knowing each other, I realize that if we had met in real life, I'd never have agreed to go on a date with any of these guys. I started to feel pissed off about the lies I was being told before I even met people in person. There was always some fundamental way the guy had misrepresented the facts as stated on his profile. Like I have kids but they don't live at home. That is technically true, but if they live next door, and you text and talk to them the entire time we're on a date, that's a level of kid interaction that might work for you, but would not be something I'd choose to get involved with. There are more subtle lies like lying about your height. Feel free to judge me for being shallow. I don't care. But I'm 5'9" and every inch of it. Of the four serious relationships I've been in, not one of them has been with someone shorter than me. I've dated shorter men but it's never been for the long haul. And I am just physically attracted to someone who's taller than me when I wear heels. I stated that outright in my profile in what I thought was a clever, cute, diplomatic way. Still, you wouldn't believe the number of guys who showed up at least 2 inches shorter than what it said on their profile making me feel like the jolly green giant.
I say all this to say that today I am responsible for me. I have my own fears, my own worries, my own insecurities. I have my own problems and my own successes. I have tools to deal with life's ups and downs and that simplicity really works for me. And having gotten out of my most recent relationship I've learned so much about my tendency to take on the problems and concerns of the person I'm with, so I'm not really inclined to rush back into that situation and I'm more sensitive to clues people give me that they're needy and need someone to take care of these things for them.
The Match date that pushed me over the edge was with someone whose profile I liked alright, who after a brief phone conversation we seemed to have some things in common, but when we met in person, I discovered that their profile picture was at least 10 or 15 years old and the years hadn't been kind. I have a difficult time understanding this - if you don't look like that anymore, don't advertise yourself that way! Is this selfish and superficial? Probably so ... but the point of dating is that there is a level of physical attraction. I've been in relationships where the initial physical attraction didn't exist and developed over time. I understand it's not ALL about physical attraction. But I'm not talking purely about physical attraction. I'm talking about the fundamental inability to tell the truth. If you're a middle aged man who's soft around the middle, I'm unlikely to fall in love with your really great kind soul if you've lied to me before we've even met.
I felt I'd been wasting my time, realized I'm not unhappy being single so I made a decision to stop. If someone asks me out the old fashioned way, great. But no more of this online foolishness. Since I'd paid for the 6 months nonrefundable (fuck you Match), I couldn't deactivate myself all the way. So, occasionally during insomnia-fueled late-night guilty pleasure online search around sessions, I'd go on to see if anyone decent had checked out my profile. I got busy with school and spinning and whatnot so I'd forget about it for weeks at a time.
Until the other night when I checked it out and indeed three guys who seemed kind of normal had written thoughtful but not stalkery emails to me and I figured oh what the hell.
And this brings me to the denoument of my post.
One guy in particular sent me an email that gave me the vapors. In a good way. He talked about sports and he-man activities that for his stated 49 year old age was really quite hot. What can I say? I'm a jock and to have someone say they enjoy athletics and fitness at my same level is rare even in the gay community. So I struck up what I considered to be a witty banter to the point where I gave him my phone number.
His response? He didn't call me. But then started emailing me saying he was intimidated at how little body fat I had and wondering if I was REALLY in that good of shape. I thought about not replying then and there. Because he just revealed that he's insecure just like the guys who lie about their height or post an old photo. And I reminded myself that I am worth more than this. I've vowed no more helping anyone through their insecurity. People get to have their own experience but I am officially out of the business of being your touchstone to tell you you're going to be OK. But I figured I'd respond thoughtfully to show that there's some depth to my love of fitness and a spiritual component to it, as well (his profile said he's spiritual, after all). His response to that? I can't exactly remember but it was something gee whizzey enough that I said OK that's it. And I emailed Match telling them to permanently delete my profile end of report.
I have to admit it's a little scary, not putting it out there. The idea that "he's just around the corner" or "you never know" is compelling, I admit. But today I like me. I think I'm pretty. I think I'm smart. I think I have so much to offer THE WORLD and I'm not waiting to have one special person to make that OK. This is a tremendous amount of growth for me. A big reason I stayed in my last relationship and have trended towards serial monogamy in the past is because I think that if I have a boyfriend "I'm OK." Even if there are fundamental issues with my choice of boyfriend or the relationship has cataclysmic flaws, I have sought out checking off that box that I'm OK because I'm paired off.
And people ask me all the time if I'm dating someone. People actually marvel that I'm not - I'm not sure why but they seem super surprised about it. The truth is that I just don't get asked out on dates that often. It's not just because I live in a Weathergirls song, but men just don't ask me out very often. I had a very fun fling around Christmas time but that was really the only time that I've been asked out in any kind of substantive way except for online dates or an extremely occasional person coming out of the woodwork to ask me out and take me on one date only to never hear from them again. But I am not doing all the things I'm doing in order to attract someone. I'm enjoying my life for me, doing things I love to do because they make me happy. I see so many people in relationships making sacrifices and compromises for the good of the relationship. That's not all bad - that's part of being in a relationship. But I've done that to the detriment of myself too many times. Today it's about me. And if the universe thinks someday I should share that with someone, it'll be the right one. Until then, I love me.
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