Qualifying the called.

I'm writing this post to help myself right now.  I'm facing a situation that traditionally rattles my nerves: I'm presenting.  Well, more accurately, I'm auditioning to teach classes in a new format at the gym.  There's a great chance the fitness director will be there and my low self esteem is battling to take over and pave the way for an epic choke.

I have auditioned to teach fitness before, successfully.  Purely going through the act of auditioning was so satisfying especially considering that at my age I have no business trying to venture into a new career path, let alone putting myself out there to teach fitness.  But over the last few years I've discovered there are a few areas where I am truly gifted.  Getting into physical shape after quitting drinking, then smoking, then recovering from a catastrophic injury was the most emotionally difficult period of my life.  It took several years to get to the point where I'd lost enough weight to CONSIDER starting to build muscular endurance.  I'd hit rock bottom in so many areas of my life that my struggle to get fit paralleled the struggle I faced to strengthen my insides.  The decision to become a fitness instructor was a direct result of someone suggesting I pursue what I *really* wanted to do instead of being a corporate slave.  I also did it because as I got fit, and as I got my life together, people started to respond by asking me "how did you do it!?"  I started seeing that it wasn't the result they were after, it was the discipline to continue even when I didn't want to do it, even when the aesthetic results were elusive.  I started to see that my ability to enthusiastically persevere was a gift I could offer people.

I can not walk into the gym without a fellow member or someone who has taken my spinning class stopping me to say how I've inspired them.  This literally gives me a feeling that I'm connected to something bigger than myself in this world.  I am just a humble person trying desperately to find the courage to leave the house some days, much less actually inspire someone to pursue something important to them, too.  Sure I've got the external results that I've got rock hard abs and just one ass instead of two.  I think about my mom at my age, saddled with 2 teenagers and a baby, with not one clue of how she got in that position in the first place, and a hopeless attitude that infected everything she touched.  But through my hard work, here I am using my naturally bubbly personality and the results of goal-driven dedication to *inspire* people!?  It's such a wonderfuly massive responsibility and it fuels my passion to continue.

So I need to center on this as I step into the audition tonight.  Externally I'm set.  I've got a great new outfit and I'm having a good hair day.  OK maybe it's shallow but guess what - some times having a good hair day means I can let go of some insane insecurity and be more grounded.  It helps.

I've got a great lesson plan and I asked for help, meaning, the instructor who has *encouraged* me and created this opportunity for me has reviewed my intent and gave it a gold star.  She said I am more organized and prepared than she is which I'm not sure about but regardless I've got an expert's buy-in so I know that my plan is solid.

The place where I get tripped up is communicating the technical information.  I can cue the exercises no problem.  But it's the backchatter using anatomical jargon and proper terminology I'm fearful I'll be dinged on.  This is not a sane fear, either.  I've made notes in the column of my lesson plan for key points I can easily talk about that reflect my study of the material.  I'm not going too crazy trying to communicate complex topics.  The point of the format I'm auditioning to teach is *social* so the class participants aren't going to want an in-depth analysis of lateral flexion anyway.  And I know my shit.

That's right - I know my shit.

I just have to remember that God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  I don't need anyone's approval that I've achieved great things and that pursuing my dream is a worthwhile venture.  But if my actions can help other people do the same thing for themselves?  That's awesome.

Wish me luck!