Hurt

I slipped down the back stairs this morning.  There was a wintery mix of precipitation making the stairs slick. I was worried about the dog slipping - she was fine.  I slipped, my feet went up into the air, I fell back down and broke my fall with my back, then slid to the bottom of the staircase.  It was one of those mornings I was just barely awake, and decided to walk the dog before I really got in the shower, nursing a cup of coffee.  So my coffee spilled all over me, I was completely wet from slipping around in the mix and I had run out without a shirt on, just a parka over my bra.  Good news is I was in too much pain to be really embarrassed and one of my female neighbors raced out to see if I was OK.  The other good news is I don't seem to have broken anything but I'm in a lot of pain.

Of course the first thought in my head is what about teaching spinning.  I hope to God I'm better by Sunday because I'm on the schedule to teach a special class for Easter - special because it's a different time than my usual class and the clubs are all access, meaning, people who belong to other clubs in the system can attend classes at any of the clubs on that day.  It's going to be a lot of my friends attending and others who might like my style and request that I teach at their club and I just don't want anything to interfere with being able to showcase myself.

But first things first - when it happened I was just really, really scared.  I'm very dramatic around medical related events so aside from worrying about spinning, I feared I'd broken a rib or my spine.  I'm really lucky I've got nurse and doctor friends who can answer my questions and are willing to take tear-stained phone calls early in the morning.  For a nanosecond I also felt very, very, painfully alone - like this would be the ideal time to have a significant other, a partner-in-crime, to help pick up the slack and take control.  Well that is certainly the theory, isn't it?  But when I was with my last boyfriend, I injured myself twice, once when we were first together and once towards the end of our relationship.  The first time there were other people around so his self involved behavior was easier to conceal, plus it was a more serious injury so I wasn't really paying attention to how he handled it.  But now that I look back on it, he wasn't really *there* for me.  He was never really *there* for me.  He'd do things like go out for takeout food and bring it into the emergency room causing a disturbance - by the way, who eats in an emergency room!?  During the recovery process he'd be sleeping and unable to get me stuff I'd need and then wonder why I was in a big huff.  And he'd make the whole thing about him - "your injury is really causing me an inconvenience because you need so much more attention right now."  Truth is, any time during that relationship I needed any special help I got it from other people, not him.  So how interesting that my mind thinks I need a boyfriend when I don't know where that even comes from.  That is clearly an unhelathy, old thought process that drives me to make choices that ultimately put me in a place to be harmed.

The people who HAVE BEEN here for me are my friends.  My sweet downstairs neighbor who brought an ice pack and Ibuprophen.  People who have called to check on me.  Medical friends who gave me solid advice and helped me reason things through.  My boss who called to see if I was OK.  I am not ever alone.

Of course, my real doctor still hasn't called me back - what a sad comment on today's medical community.  I probably would have gone to the emergency room right away except I'm on an HMO and know that means I need a doctor's approval before I so much as put a band aid on.  I've been able to make myself comfortable with Ibuprophen and an ice pack, though there are a couple of times I've twistted and caused SIGNIFICANT pain so I'd like to run it by a medical professional.  I called first thing this morning and still haven't heard back.  Not good.

But this is just really a bad time for an injury.  I've got a really big week this week and can't afford to be hurt.  I'm trying to prepare to interview a Pulitzer Prize winning author coming to speak where I work and I can't be bogged down with running to the doctor, I need to focus and prepare properly.  We've got a huge event next week in addition to this and there's a ton of work that needs to be done for that.  I've got a really big social event tomorrow and I'd like to put my best foot forward.  And I've got reading to do for class and need to keep my wits about me so I can absorb what I need to.  No.  I don't have time to "take it easy" and sit around like an old lady.

I am trying to be gentle with myself, and patient.  But after such a wonderful weekend where my fitness was at an all time high and my performance was at its peak, I'm really not appreciating an injury relating to a dog that doesn't belong to me and that's going to hamper all of my plans for the next week while I hobble around "taking it easy."

I also don't want to hear one person tell me something about how this means God wants me to slow down.  I reject that suggestion out of hand.  I don't think anyone knows what God's will is, I think we're all doing the best we can.  I'm glad I wasn't hurt more seriously and obviously I'll deal with this, but I have a life that I truly enjoy living and it involves being healthy and whole.